Wednesday, December 20, 2023
This morning Betty and I went for a run, and I told her that I was feeling some significant anxiety. I think it boils down to three things.
Grading: I am still not done with grading. Our days have been so busy, and my attention has been on so many other critical things, that I simply haven’t gotten it done. I am also just putting it off. Eventually, I’ll have to get it done.
Finances: I’ve mentioned this before, but just because I’m on sabbatical and bringing in my full pay does NOT mean that we are swimming in piles of cash. Travel is expensive, and I am constantly concerned about how we are going to make all of this work -- especially when we get to Europe.
Vehicles: We’ve got this new Sequoia with temporary plates, and I have no idea if they will even let us take it into Mexico. We also still need to sell the old one. And I got an email this morning from the bank with some question about financing. I have so much aversion to thinking about it that I didn’t even read the email yet.
So yeah, my stress levels are pretty high.
But I’m trying to be as positive as I can.
So after our run, I called the kids together and told them that we need to stop with the bickering and contention. I told that yesterday while we were driving, I heard an episode of the Church History Matters podcast (perhaps my current favorite podcast) in which they talked about Thomas B. Marsh . He was one of the most important early church leaders. In fact, he was the first modern president of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles. But during a particularly difficult time in church history, Thomas lost his faith in Joseph Smith, and he left the church for about 19 years. When he returned, Brigham Young asked him to speak in general conference, and he told the saints that he had “lost the spirit of the Lord out of [his] heart.”
Marsh continued:
“I became jealous of the Prophet, and then I saw double, and overlooked everything that was right, and spent all my time in looking for the evil; and then, when the Devil began to lead me, it was easy for the carnal mind to rise up, which is anger, jealousy, and wrath. I could feel it within me; I felt angry and wrathful [...] I got mad, and I wanted everybody else to be mad. I talked with Brother Brigham and Brother Heber, and I wanted them to be mad like myself; and I saw they were not mad, and I got madder still because they were not.”
After our little family council, I hoped that things would be solved, and they were for a time.
Betty, Kimball, Anahi, Alicia and I all got into our Sunday clothes and headed over to the Gilbert temple to do baptisms for the dead. It’s one of our favorite things to do as a family. All temples are beautiful and amazing, and this one seemed especially so to us. The people were so kind. We even met a lady there (a temple worker) who is a friend of Hillsdale College. She was happy to meet us :)
So we got out of the temple and took a picture, and then things started to fall apart.
Betty suggested to the kids that they attend a church youth activity in the local ward there in Queen Creek, where my sister lives. Alicia, especially, did NOT like that idea. She said it would be super weird to just attend an activity in some random ward where they didn’t know anyone. I didn’t like her tone, so I jumped in to try to ... I don’t even know ... protect Betty? Argue Alicia into submission? It was not great, and things escalated fast. She dug her heels in more, and I dug mine. She told me (and I’m pretty sure that she was right) that anyone would feel the way she did if their parents decided to make them go to an activity where they didn’t know anyone. I tried to make her feel guilty, telling her that she wasn’t being Christlike (ouch!), but it just served to make her more mad.
The tone degenerated in a matter of a couple of minutes, until finally Betty told me to stop the car because she was going to walk back to the house (about 2.5 or 3 miles). I sensed that if I didn’t let her walk, things were really going to get out of hand, so I dropped her and Kimball off. Then the rest of us drove home in silence (after re-affirming to each other how mad we were).
When we got back to the house, Alicia said she wanted to stay in the car, and I let her. I didn’t want anything to do with it all. I just kind of quietly went in, grabbed my backpack, and started grading. Anahi found a quiet place to stay out of the line of fire. About an hour later Betty and Kimball came in. Not long after that, Alicia came back as well.
I wish I could say that we had a big heart-to-heart about things and that we worked everything out.
We didn’t.
But I think all of us understood that we need to be much more careful about how we treat each other. For me the great lesson is that I need to be way more respectful of the agency of my teenage kids. I can’t just tell them that I think something is good and expect them to go along with it. I can’t tell them I’ll be disappointed if they don’t follow me, and expect that to be enough. I’m learning on this journey that JUST BEING ON THE JOURNEY IS ENOUGH! My kids and my wife are awesome just for being here. I need not be so precious about making everyone else’s journey look just like how I wish it would. It’s a miracle that we are doing this thing, and the details will work themselves out. Everyone will have a better time if they learn their lessons on their own without me having to control every aspect of things.
I’m sure Betty and Alicia and Kimball and Anahi and Ian and even River will learn their own lessons as well. But that’s the one I’m learning.
Tomorrow will be a new day, and I’m hoping it will be better.
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